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Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

jurassic-world-fallen-kingdom-poster-2018Director: J.A. Bayona

Main Cast: Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt, Jeff Goldblum, Danielle Pineda, Ted Levine, James Cronwell, BD Wong, Rafe Spall, Toby Jones, Justice Smith, Isabella Sermon

Genre: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

Plot: The park on Isla Nubar has been closed now for 4 years, but the once-dormant volcano there is now about to erupt at any moment. The debate has started, should these dinosaurs be saved or should we let nature run its cause and allow the volcano to kill them all?

My Thoughts: I feel so torn on this one. Personally, I loved Jurassic World, even if it did feel like a 2-hour long example of product placement. It’s nice to have a movie where you can suspend your belief and just have some good fun, and that’s exactly what I was hoping for with the sequel. The first half of the movie delivers that perfectly, but the second half…was just kind of silly!

Seeing Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard again on screen was a joy, and I loved the 2 new additions to their team, although they provided most of the laughs also. There was a good mix of fast action, humour and thrills. Once the dinosaurs had been taken away from Isla Nubar however, it all just unravelled into a bit of a mess.

Also, have I turned into an overprotective parent already or am I not alone in thinking that there’s NO WAY young children should see this? I thought the Jurassic Park movies were family-friendly but this is kind of gory in places!

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Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun watching Fallen Kingdom, and I’ll probably watch it again with my family, I just didn’t like the second half as much, and I have no idea what to say about the ending…I mean just think how much all your insurance premiums are going to go up by!

Best Bit: I have two! Either the scene with Chris and Dallas trying to take the blood from the T-Rex, or the clips of Blue and the other raptors when they were tiny. I want a Blue of my very own!

Worst Bit: The Indoraptor sneaking his way into the little girl’s room. It’s just stupid on so many levels. Why would a dinosaur that was a hyperactive killing machine suddenly turn into stealth mode, and why would that girl, who had been set up as such a smart character, decide to hide not even under her bed, but just under the covers. Ugh.

Fun Trivia: The ending of Fallen Kingdom will apparently leave audiences wanting more. Trevorrow says: “At the end of this movie, it’s not a cliffhanger, but it’s designed for people to want to know what’s going to happen next, whereas the earlier Jurassic Park movies had pretty clear definitive endings.”

My Rating: 3 out of 5 laser guns…and please, don’t aim them at Chris Pratt. That’s a silly thing to do.

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What the Hell Happened in Lady in the Water (2006)?

A couple of weeks ago I felt in the right kind of mood for an M. Night Shyamalan movie, and found myself watching The Happening (review here). Shyamalan gets a lot of hate, and in fairness I’ve mainly watched his better movies, but I’m rapidly finding myself wanting to watch everything he’s done for the hell of it. The Happening was an absolute disaster in more ways than one, but you guys, it was so much fun to watch and make fun of.

lady-in-the-water-review-2006When I reviewed it for the blog, some of you mentioned Lady in the Water, telling me it was even worse. You realise what you set in motion in that moment, right? I had to watch it!

It took me 2 days, and 3 sitting to actually get through it, it was actually that bad. There were times I wanted to call it quits, but I stuck with it for the sake of the blog. I can’t write a review I’m afraid, mainly because I’m still not sure what actually happened in front of my eyes, but for my own sake (and yours) I’m going to try and explain what happened. Spoilers ahead, but you’re not missing out on much!

The movie opens with a stick man explanation of the people who live in the water world, watching over us land folk, until we got greedy and forgot about them. Every now and again they send their water kids to our world, but most of them get eaten by wolves. Um, okay.

Then we see a stuttering Paul Giamatti, the only maintenance man in a huge apartment complex, talking with his pool cleaner about how dirty it is. It’s almost like there’s someone living there, eh, eh?

Bingo. Bryce Dallas Howard is the lady in the water. Giamatti tries to take her outside, but they get attacked by a grass wolf. Stay with me now, this isn’t even that weird yet.

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It’s called a Scrunt apparently, which sounds like the world’s worst Pokemon to me.

I don’t remember how, but we somehow learn her name is Story, and she is a Narf. I guess Narfs are the people from the water world, but what a terrible name.

It just so happens that one of the resident’s mothers knows all about the story of the Narfs, which is super lucky, but to convince this old lady to tell him the story, Giamatti has to convince her that he is actually a child (?!) and finds himself sat on her sofa with a milk mustache. No innuendo, I swear.

It turns out that Story is trying to find the ‘chosen one’ who’s a writer, leading Giamatti on a goose chase around the building. He meets a grumpy film critic, a group of rowdy lads, a crossword puzzle loving Jeffrey Wright and his son who reads cereal boxes, and a dude who only works out his right side of his body. Oh! And Mr M. Night Shyamalan himself, who’s writing a Cookbook that has nothing to do with cooking. Right.

I’m being way too detailed here, let’s speed things up a bit.

Old lady says that for Story to get home, they need a Guardian, a Healer, a Translator, a something else (I forgot) and a Guild.

The Translator turns out to be the puzzle fan’s kid, who stares at a cupboard of cereal to work out they need to perform a ceremony.

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I really wasn’t kidding about the cereal you guys…

The Healer is some other lady who sees butterflies everywhere by the pool.

The Guild is the group of lads, who decide the best way to get Story home is to throw a huge party for the grumpy film critic.

Cue party time, and suddenly about 200 people live in this weird complex.

There’s a band, and them playing is crucial to the ceremony apparently, but they aren’t paying attention, and getting someone to go and tap them on the shoulder is out of the question for some reason.

The grass wolf has managed to find his way into the complex at this point, and ends up eating the film critic after he does this weird speech. Does Shyamalan hate critics? I bet he did after releasing this movie. Maybe he saw it coming, and just didn’t care.

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Turns out this guy saves the day in the end. By staring at the grass wolf.

I just lost it at this point, seriously. A giant eagle flies overhead and takes Story away, and then the credits rolled.

WHAT. THE. HELL. YOU. GUYS.

Dare I ask, has M. Night Shyamalan made anything worse than this? I need to know, just in case I have a sudden lapse in judgement and find myself with nothing better to watch on a Sunday night.