The 5 Worst Movies of 2017…So Far

This is slightly later than I was expecting, but I’m back! A few days ago I posted my 5 Best Movies of 2017 so far, and now I’m here with the worst. This is what’s strange though. It’s actually been REALLY difficult to scrape 5 movies together. Not because of trying to whittle them down to 5, but I just haven’t seen many bad movies so far! I’m putting that down to the fact I’m behind on recent releases and so I’ve concentrated on recommendations so far.

I almost wussed out and did a list of 4 but that just felt wrong, so I do have 5 movies for you. However! Take some of these with a pinch of salt, because the first 2 picks aren’t that bad at all, they’re just mediocre enough to make this list.

Oh, and another quick reminder, I go by UK release dates!

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#5 Despicable Me 3 

This is what I mean. So I actually quite enjoyed watching Despicable Me 3. Is it something I’ll ever watch again? Probably not. Oh wait, of course I will. Sometime soon my life is going to full of kids movies. The story is a little too simple. the plot predictable, and despite me not being a fan of their solo movie, the minions are still the funniest part. Nonetheless, I did quite enjoy Agnes’ quest to find a real unicorn! Did they really need to tie it in with that other Dreamworks movie, Sing?! Ugh.

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#4 Before I Fall

Again, this movie isn’t so bad, it’s just quite forgettable. It’s the teenage-angst version of Groundhog Day, basically. A good premise, and again an ending I didn’t see coming, but the problem with these kind of movies comes with the repetition. How many times do you want to watch the same girl’s school ritual? Let’s just put these kind of movies in the same lock box as all the Freaky Friday ones. Funnily enough, the day after I saw this I spotted the trailer for Happy Death Day, so I guess these Groundhog Day movies are making a comeback. Sigh.

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#3 Fifty Shades Darker

As a warm-blooded female, I’m really kind of neutral on the whole Fifty Shades business, I can enjoy the series for what it is, and it’s always a good excuse for a girls movie night, in or out. Whereas the first movie was quite funny however (intentional or not, who knows) this one lacked, and it was really quite obvious where its origins were, badly-written fanfiction. That ending was cringey as hell!

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#2 Fist Fight

Eh, I kind of knew Fist Fight would end up in a list like this before I watched it, but I don’t mind sitting through an hour and a half of comedy with Ice Cube and Charlie Day. It has a few funny moments, mostly the same moments that were in the trailers, but it mostly falls flat. Enjoyable at the time, but I’m not going to remember this one in a year’s time.

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#1 Baywatch

It ENRAGES me how bad this movie was. ENRAGES me. I LOVE Dwayne Johnson, and I’m 100% on his side for calling out the critics on their crap. But this wasn’t the movie to do that on the back of. All the elements of a decent summer comedy were there, so why did it suck so hard? Most of the jokes were completely forgotten the second I left the cinema, and not even Zac Efron’s body could save the day. I never thought I’d say this but honey, you need to put on a little weight!

Sigh. Last year’s list was so much more fun to write, because my hatred was so strong, but this list feels kind of meh. Why I’m complaining I don’t know, surely all we want to see are great movies? But there’s a weird joy in hate-writing about bad movies, and I haven’t had that yet this year. Send me your terrible suggestions folks!

Going off Topic (#5) The chocolate on my biscuits has melted…

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It’s just too warm! I’m in the UK, it’s currently 29 degrees, (84 Fahrenheit for those that use it) I’m practically dying from hayfever, and I’m pregnant enough now that everyone I meet is asking me “how are you coping in this heat?”. Not well, thank you, I can’t sleep at night and my nose is at risk of dripping with no warning whatsoever. I can’t even enjoy a fruit cider or cocktail slushie in the garden, so go away and leave me to sulk!

Obligatory British-weather rant over.

So, I’ve kind of got back into the swing of blogging on a regular basis again! I had to take a break because I just found myself not really watching any movies, and that kind of makes it hard to actually blog about movies, you know? However, I’ve found my mojo again, even though I STILL haven’t seen Wonder Woman. The universe just doesn’t want me to. I’ve got plans to see it tonight actually, mainly as an excuse for cinnamon buns ice cream and an air-conditioned room. Keep your fingers crossed for me – I might be there tonight!

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I’ve kept fairly on top of blogging about everything that I’ve seen lately. In case you missed them, this month so far I’ve reviewed Shimmer Lake (2017), Fist Fight (2017), Before I Fall (2017), The Belko Experiment (2017) and Baywatch (2017). I doubt I’ll review it but I watched Tower Heist (2011) on a whim the other week. My husband and I stuck on a DVD, a trailer for that came on and we thought ‘eh, let’s see if we can watch that instead!’. It was alright, kind of what you’d expect with that title, but had some good stars in. I also watched CHiPS (2017) over the weekend, I kind of enjoyed it, but it wasn’t as heavy on the comedy as I thought it would be.

Last night I watched Personal Shopper (2017). I knew the name just because it was mentioned a lot in Cannes Film Festival posts I’d read, but I honestly had no idea what it was about. It stars Kristen Stewart, and with the title, I thought it would be some kind of ‘Devil Wears Prada’ kind of movie but it’s actually a spiritual ghost story! Not what I expected at all. It’s got a lot of depth and a very cryptic ending, which didn’t sit well with me, but made sense when I researched it afterwards. Not my cup of tea if I’m honest, but I wouldn’t begrudge anyone who loved it.

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TV wise, I’m loving the hell out of Fargo Season 3. I struggled with the first episode but it’s just gotten stronger each week. I’ve never seen David Thewlis like this before, in fact I actually struggle to watch some of his scenes. Ewan McGregor might just be my favourite actor of 2017 at this rate, and I’m dying to dig up some more of Mary Elizabeth Winstead’s filmography. The finale is this week, arghhhhh! I’m hearing a lot of good things about Twin Peaks, can any readers recommend that I give that a go once I have a Fargo-shaped hole in my life?

I wouldn’t ramble at you for 500 words without giving you something good to read at the end of it all, so here are some of my favourite posts from the last week or so:

Cinematic Corner reviews Wonder Woman – and she’s got me so hyped for it!

Two Dollar Cinema reviews The Mummy – I haven’t seen it myself but I can guarantee his review is more entertaining than the blockbuster itself!

Dell on Movies writes a moving post following the death of Adam West this month.

Life of this City Girl reviews my favourite food-related movie, Chef. Aaaaand now I’m hungry again.

Review: Baywatch (2017)

baywatch-movie-review-2017Okay, so I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman (the world has decided I’m not meant to see it I swear) so I’m really sorry I’m presenting you with Baywatch rather than that. Hear me out though! I got an offer for a date night with my bestie, and it was going to involve Ben & Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns ice cream. I am a pregnant lady dammit, and I’m weak! Plus, I find Dwayne Johnson so irresistibly likeable, I felt like I owed him one.

In this remake of the original TV Show, Dwayne Johnson is the Lieutenant of Baywatch, or head of the Life Guards for a simpler term. Summer is here, and him and his team are holding tryouts for 3 new positions on the squad. Zac Efron is a twice Gold-winning Olympic swimmer who has been disgraced after throwing up in the pool, and so he’s been sent to the bay…I’m actually not sure why. It was some kind of plea deal?

See, the plot is kind of all over the place. It’s not enough to be a simple, summer comedy. It’s also a crime-solving movie, and Priyanka Chopra is our bad guy. She’s murdering people left right and centre, covering them up as accidents, so that she can…control some real estate? Again – I’m honestly not sure what exactly she was doing.

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All this would be forgivable in my eyes if the movie was funny, but it just isn’t. I chuckled a few times, I gagged at all 3 mentions of dead people smelling like dairy products (I’m feeling ill thinking about it) and I got bored very quickly of the penis jokes. Even this might be almost forgivable if I had some eye candy to admire, but as much as I love Zac Efron, he looks plain weird with his new, 5% body-fat self. Please refer to Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity for that one!

…Hold up, I lost about 10 minutes on Google image search there. What was I saying? I’m sorry Dwayne Johnson, I’m actually on your side in this Rotten Tomatoes battle you have going on, but this wasn’t the movie to use. A bit of stupidity is fun, look at San Andreas, but this was too much. There’s a moment when Zac walks past a sea urchin and Dwayne lectures him all about what they are and what they do – and then they simply walk off. “Oh” I think, “that’ll be important to the plot later then, us as the audience must be too dumb to know what a sea urchin is.” Low and behold! It turns up in the finale.

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I forgot about this scene. This was quite funny!

I have to mention the CGI too. On the whole it wasn’t too bad, but in an early scene with a boat on fire, with fire surrounding it in the water, I thought I might have been watching Sharknado. It was seriously THAT BAD. How much of the budget did they blow just to have David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson turn up?

I realise I’ve spent this whole post slagging the movie off, but it was a fairly enjoyable experience on the whole, it just was nowhere near as good as I hoped. I never expected a masterpiece, but I usually enjoy these summer comedies a lot more! Apologies to my friend Steph if she’s reading this and actually kind of loved the movie – I still had a really fun night!

Ideally I would give Baywatch 2 out of 5 concealed boners, or dead guy penises (penis’s? peni?) but that would be gross, so 2 important-to-the-plot sea urchins it is!

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