Review: Baywatch (2017)

baywatch-movie-review-2017Okay, so I still haven’t seen Wonder Woman (the world has decided I’m not meant to see it I swear) so I’m really sorry I’m presenting you with Baywatch rather than that. Hear me out though! I got an offer for a date night with my bestie, and it was going to involve Ben & Jerry’s Cinnamon Buns ice cream. I am a pregnant lady dammit, and I’m weak! Plus, I find Dwayne Johnson so irresistibly likeable, I felt like I owed him one.

In this remake of the original TV Show, Dwayne Johnson is the Lieutenant of Baywatch, or head of the Life Guards for a simpler term. Summer is here, and him and his team are holding tryouts for 3 new positions on the squad. Zac Efron is a twice Gold-winning Olympic swimmer who has been disgraced after throwing up in the pool, and so he’s been sent to the bay…I’m actually not sure why. It was some kind of plea deal?

See, the plot is kind of all over the place. It’s not enough to be a simple, summer comedy. It’s also a crime-solving movie, and Priyanka Chopra is our bad guy. She’s murdering people left right and centre, covering them up as accidents, so that she can…control some real estate? Again – I’m honestly not sure what exactly she was doing.

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All this would be forgivable in my eyes if the movie was funny, but it just isn’t. I chuckled a few times, I gagged at all 3 mentions of dead people smelling like dairy products (I’m feeling ill thinking about it) and I got bored very quickly of the penis jokes. Even this might be almost forgivable if I had some eye candy to admire, but as much as I love Zac Efron, he looks plain weird with his new, 5% body-fat self. Please refer to Ryan Reynolds in Blade Trinity for that one!

…Hold up, I lost about 10 minutes on Google image search there. What was I saying? I’m sorry Dwayne Johnson, I’m actually on your side in this Rotten Tomatoes battle you have going on, but this wasn’t the movie to use. A bit of stupidity is fun, look at San Andreas, but this was too much. There’s a moment when Zac walks past a sea urchin and Dwayne lectures him all about what they are and what they do – and then they simply walk off. “Oh” I think, “that’ll be important to the plot later then, us as the audience must be too dumb to know what a sea urchin is.” Low and behold! It turns up in the finale.

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I forgot about this scene. This was quite funny!

I have to mention the CGI too. On the whole it wasn’t too bad, but in an early scene with a boat on fire, with fire surrounding it in the water, I thought I might have been watching Sharknado. It was seriously THAT BAD. How much of the budget did they blow just to have David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson turn up?

I realise I’ve spent this whole post slagging the movie off, but it was a fairly enjoyable experience on the whole, it just was nowhere near as good as I hoped. I never expected a masterpiece, but I usually enjoy these summer comedies a lot more! Apologies to my friend Steph if she’s reading this and actually kind of loved the movie – I still had a really fun night!

Ideally I would give Baywatch 2 out of 5 concealed boners, or dead guy penises (penis’s? peni?) but that would be gross, so 2 important-to-the-plot sea urchins it is!

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18 thoughts on “Review: Baywatch (2017)

  1. ‘Concealed boners’ is the best rating scale in the history of time. And that’s putting it mildly.

    I think I’m with you on this one, but I may have hated it a bit more. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this mess. It was…a different kind of mess that I was hoping for.

    One that would have given me a, well…do I really need to type it?

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  2. very funny review. I will assume it is funnier than the movie itself – so – not that I was planning to see it anyway – but thanks for saving me some money. I’ll return the favor and say, stay the hell out of the water anywhere near 47 Meters Below. The movie “be-lows” if you catch my drift. As terrific as The Shallows was last year – that’s how bad this one is. Late to the shark attack party – lock the doors and turn out the lights.

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  3. Pingback: Going off Topic (#5) The chocolate on my biscuits has melted… | Often Off Topic

  4. Great review! I won’t be seeing this anytime soon – I have great love for The Rock, he’s so damn cool, but I just can’t see how this would work out and absolutely no one I’ve spoken to liked Baywatch. And Zac Efron must get some body fat back. Like how he was in The Lucky One – so gorgeous. This ultra lean muscled version is disconcerting.

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  5. This movie was all over the place. It didn’t know what it was doing and it was pretty much a mess on the beach you find after a really huge beach party. I was not a fan. I did like the penis parts though, weird, those were the two scenes I laughed at.. isn’t that sad.

    Also, weird thing to say but I wish Efron had been in drag longer.

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