Review: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

The UK is going through a bit of a crisis right now. No, our tea levels are just fine, but we appear to have a shortage of lettuce thanks to bad weather in Spain! Supermarkets are even putting out signs limiting customers to only 3 lettuce (lettuces?) per customer. Like, who even needs that much salad anyway? What we don’t seem to short of, is cucumbers. We have so many cucumbers that people are leaving them behind in the cinema after watching Fifty Shades Darker.

I’d like to say I watched Fifty Shades Darker because it’s my duty as a movie blogger, but actually, I just love trashy movies, and any excuse to go out on a Wednesday night with one of my girls is good with me!

So, you know the story so far, right? Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) is a billionaire with very particular tastes in the bedroom, and he meets Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) who seems determined to change him. They split up at the end of the first movie because Christian was a little too…rough. *cough* Sorry, it’s the awkward Brit in me, unable to talk about anything sexy without either giggling or coughing and looking away.

This second instalment of the series is darker, obviously. Ana has a new job, which comes with a creepy boss (Eric Johnson) who brings Ana coffee and would like some…gratification for it. Ahem. There’s also a creepy girl with a bandaged wrist following her around with a gun, and Ana also gets to meet Mrs Robinson (Kim Basinger) who’s responsible for teaching Christian all these terrible things in the first place.

So yes, there’s a lot going on here this time. I’m not sure if I’m dedicated enough to do the math and tell you whether there’s more sex this time, but we’re certainly introduced to some new things. Mainly a pair of silver balls (which do not go where Ana thinks they go) and a spreader bar. Gee, I’m feeling embarrassed just typing this!

Let’s talk about the good things. The soundtrack is pretty decent, like last time. The story feels much bigger, Dakota Johnson is as lovely as ever, and if you’re watching with friends, it’s a funny experience. If you love trashy movies, of course.

What’s not so good? The first movie was downright hilarious in many places, although I’m not sure if that was intentional. This second movie doesn’t bring many laughs at all. It also feels like it was originally a 4 hour movie that got absolutely slaughtered in the editing room, but it’s long enough as it is, so perhaps I shouldn’t complain. That’s what she said.

All in all, Fifty Shades Darker was exactly what I expected it to be. Haters gonna hate, yadda yadda yadda, but grab a bottle of wine and treat this movie the way you’d treat Sharknado, and have a bit of fun with it. With my blogging hat on however, this movie gets 2 out of 5 cucumbers.